Insane

I'm going to be insanely busy around this week. I'm the secretary of the Chinese culture festival. Lots of report and minutes need me type out and I would have go for practices in university as I'm a actor in the Play, some more I'm the flautist in the Chinese Orchestra. I'm so worry as if I can't finish the sketch before 28th of June. It's just because we all just received the sketch in a week before 28th. It's so rush, sounds bad if we all the members can't perform well.

童年的回忆

我还记得小时候倒垃圾的情形。垃圾车是不会经过我家的，我应该交代为何如此。家乡在槟吉这一带的应该知道威省的PACIFIC是什么地方。我以前就是住在哪里，算得准确的话“我家”现在就位于它的大门口附近。州政府说哪里是“非法”住宅区，但我早在哪里居住十年有余，什么非法住宅区，想起来，是蛮可笑的。后来发展商把那块地买了下来充商业用途，居住在那一带的居民也只好搬家。

说回倒垃圾的情形。由于我家属于“非法”住宅区，市政局的垃圾车是不会经过我们的家门口，在整个住宅区的入口处有两个垃圾回收站，垃圾车一个星期来好几回。十多年前的事，现在忘了有几回，但觉得当局还派人把那个垃圾回收站打理得蛮有条理的，至少没有被野猫野狗拖得满地都是垃圾。犹记小时的我，胖得像个圆球，头发几乎剃得精光，个子又矮小，走几步就气喘如牛，最不愿意帮母亲把家里的垃圾拖到回收站丢弃。别无其它，只因家中老大，有什么事发生，弟妹们的矛头就先指向我（现在想起来自己还会在一旁痴笑），我就得负起这责任。

我把装垃圾的塑胶袋系好，从垃圾桶中取出，然后就一鼓作气的把它拿到门前，虽然只是咫尺之距，但我觉得已是好远的距离。袋子里垃圾蛮重的，我又不会骑自行车，就只好一步一步地把垃圾拖到回收站去。我家离路口约100米，但是就只有两个字形容那距离“好远！”小时习惯裸着上身到处乱跑，身体又很会出汗，拖几步就在哪里喘一会，父亲看了摇头，我也只能苦笑。垃圾丢掉后身体就好象被水淋湿般，母亲还以为我掉进水沟里，我就嚷着母亲以后就叫弟弟做这苦差。。。

想起以前，虽然这回忆并不起眼，离乡到外头求学有一年多，童年的回忆，想起来还是会心一笑的。

A new day has come

The mist is fresh, cool air,shrouded in the air. I am pleased. My mood is good enough to look forward for a brand new day. Another new day, another new moment has come.

The air is very clean, although I can't really figure out how clean it is... I need this kind of "enviromental motivation" which make me feel happier. This sounds like God is giving me the jouyous gift of the world and I must appreciate it, no matter how I am, no matter where I am, no matter whom I belongs to. I'm not insane. Just feel happy to say so. Somestimes it's no harm for us to express our mind in such way...That's why I am here. Trying to express my feeling through this blog, somewhere which let my inner heart to shout out loud if I need to do so. Class will be at 11am, it's still early. after posting this entry, I would prepare for myself some fruits, slices of bread as my breakfast. It is not heavy breakfast but this quite good for me. To be frank, I'm quite busy for my society actvities and my own study. I would rather give up for my post if there is a chance for me to do so cos I found it to hectic for me. I envy Tao Yuan Ming whom could have that kind of easy-going lifestyle, but, can I make it? I understand life is a mixture of happiness and sadness... as long as I am happy with what I having now, my friends, my family, my books.....This is enough for me already. I don't enquire too much from God. There are sometimes negative action which dashed my spirit, I take this as a test from Him.

I will be very busy for the preparation of the society performing...hope Him will help me to overcome those very busy and fast schedule. I believe in Him so that He could help me.

Using english to express my feeling now is hard. hoping I can converse in english soon.

Lecturer

I went to my school this morning hangging around. Calling Mr.Lim at first for the result and ask for his advice. He was in the room the time after I had a brief chit-chat with Ms.Clamentine. Though he didn't pick up his phone. I thought he was in the lecture hall giving lecture to his beloved students, hah, the moment I saw him was just like ....oh my god, here comes my hope....

I looked at him, knocking the consultation room's door and I asked, "erm...sir may I ask something for my past exam?"

"Don't talk about the exam, it's still long way to go..." he said.

"okay...thanks sir..." I replied in a polite manner.

Perhaps there was an misunderstanding, I was asking about the previous exam resuls but he thought other way round......

Now I realised how was the feeling being rejected for just asking a question, my heart was in pain, it was dissapointing. Some of my friends are smart enough, they bright students, the can talk about something with passion, the fire keep flaming through the semester. I wish myself could get better result in the future. Though it might be my carelessness and fault that cause me to get such low grade, I regret as if I didn't study well, but this doesn't make sense. This won't happen in the previous semester.

And I believe....this wont't be happened in the coming exam as well....

CGPA = 3.26

I can't believe that I got such result. It wasn't bad, but, I would say I could get better than 3.26 for my CGPA.

History of chinese literature was the subject which marked the lowest grade amongst all, B-. Preparing for this paper for about 3 weeks before the exam, taking notes and kept revising and revising and memorising the Poems and texts for don't know how many rounds, still, it was a total dissapointment. My heart was stop pumping at that moment once I chechek my result through intranet, I know some of my friends would get better result than me, it is none of my business. The problem is I don't want any subject marked lower grade than B+ and I'm very sure I won't get a B- for that subject. I know what I have done during the exam, everything was in smooth pace.

Can't wait to see him in the morning for his clarification...... I wish to get a scholarship to pursue my studies in the future...............

3.60, you will be mine.

Presentation

Presentation was over.

I was a bit nervous during the Selected Text for Yuan, Ming, Qing Dynasty presentation. Knowing there will be something gone wrong during the presentation, my sense told me that and it had happened. Firstly, I never knew there will be limited laptops and LCD projector in our faculty... so I have got to wait for about 10 minutes before the class commenced. Luckily our Tutor, Helen, she's not yet there. I'm using the precious moment to scan through those note and handouts to racall my memory. Actually the presentation was as easy as ABC, but it would be good if I make it better trying to get higher marks .

Presentation is fun, you never know how it really feel if you never stand in front of a group a people and speak out your ideas and thoughts... I quite enjoy the process though, sometimes, it is somewhat hard to overcome my anxiety and nervous when I can't explain the terms and sentences which could make my classmate better. That will be the time I felt so sorry and sad. Felling sad and sorry because I'm wasting others time, listen a jerk crapping in front of them...

Finally

Finally, I have finished the report. Nobody would not know what I'm trying to express as if I'm too tired to speak out my angst, my unhappiness. Even I need their emotional support, I have spoken out with some of my friends, but who cares... The numbers were just little. I am just a nobody. I need love, supports; perhaps you too....right. I have the strong feeling of anxiety while lots of workloads come into me. I need help, I need some fresh air to breath, I need a glimpse of light to brighten the darkness. only this can eliminate the anxiety and fear inside my heart. Though it might be useful if something can cherish which are books(yea, I love books, any good books that worth to read), tea, aroma candles...... pop out in front of me...but this sounds too weird, as other may say I was completely done~~~ I was crazy~~~ Some of my ex-classmate chit-chatting in the cafetaria this afternoon, as I was sick, and not willing to throw a single word out from my mounth, I just look at their eyes, my existance made them feel uncomfortable, I said hi...and bye....since when I the type of hi-bye friend for them, I was their good friend before.......Everything were went wrong, Am I wrong?!

Listening to Kevin Kern's music, it was so relaxing, I'm in down mood, chatting with some juniors and friens, they were kind of optimistic guy, never thinking of those weird questions like what I'm thinking now...My mind , now, were full of those passive,stupid questions that could make me jump dowm from 10th floor. Though it might not be wise if somebody died too early, I've got to make myself happier and always in good condition. Maybe, someday, God will consider what good things that I had done and brought me to the heaven.

Again, the mellow tone of Kevin Kern swirlling in my ear...